My Motto, and how it effects me…

     Have you ever had that one motto or saying told to you by your parents, or found while reading, you still think about all the time?  Where it made such an impact on who you are today, you wont forget it even if you tried to?  I do.  I kinda want to hear yours?

    My mom always said this to me, and I still remember it to this day. Whenever i was conflicted about my parents and didn’t understand why my pills had gone missing, and my dad would act crazy, when fights would rage on, and i was confused.  When I was scared I would grow up to be addicted to medications like him, having already been fighting addiction to my pain killers and not wanting to become my father.

 She would look me in the eyes and say to me…

“Jonathan…do you know what the difference between a good man and a bad man is? No? The difference between a good man and a bad man comes down to something as simple as….  Choice  …. everything you do in your life is a Choice…it does not matter how you were raised, or how horrible your life has been up to this point, it is up to you to Chose to change your life, to do the Right thing, not the Easy thing.  A bad man will choose to sit and destroy his life, and get mad at the world for not having things fall into his lap, he will not only crush his dreams, but the dreams of others around him… Whilst a good man will go out, and fight for who they are, and what they will believe in, they will fight for there dreams, and the dreams of others. They will earn what they need, instead of expecting it to come to them.  It is all up to you.

This has impacted my life so much.  One out of many things it has impacted me on.  Every time I go to take my pills, I secretly ask myself…

“Do I Need my pills…. or do I ‘Want‘ them?”

For the past 14 years I have spent my entire life fighting for who I am, and what I believe in, even with some people constantly doubting me, asking “Do you really need that much?” or “do you really NEED your pills right now?” Instead of folding in, giving up on my beliefs, doing the Easy thing, and giving into addiction, I know that in my heart, I will do the Right thing every time, even if others doubt me, and question my character.

 Those words constantly ringing in my head…

“Do the Right thing, not the Easy thing, it is your Choice, and your choice alone to become who you are, or who you want to become.”

Do any of you have a life altering motto like this?  One that just stuck with you, even until today?  Or one you just found, but still use it constantly?  You don’t have to answer, but I just thought I would ask. :)

A.P.T.  : Average Pain Today

1 being none at all, 5 being normal, 10 being horrendously unbelievable pain

   1       2       3        4       5       6        7       8       9       10

|–|–|–|–|–|–|–|–|–|–|–|–|||–|–|–|–|

 

- Jonathan Forrest Jagger


Being a brother…

Today, like everyday for the past few months, I got up, took pain meds, got in my wheelchair, then got on my Xbox 360 to play Skyrim. I don’t know whats been with me lately, I have so much planned for the future, but inside I just want to sit and escape into my games. I own a mod that is being created for the game Minecraft, the mods name is MythiCraft, and just the idea of it has sent it to the top of the list of best mods to date.  For the past 2 weeks I have just sat at my game, doing nothing but running in circles, though there is something in the back of my head telling me to get on my computer and take responsibility for running the mod. Life feels so dull lately, theirs nothing in it to keep me going, to keep me WANTING to stay, its like everything has lost interest.  About an hour ago me and my sister Zoe sat and listened to some of our favorite songs on YouTube, and we both got to talking, we listened to one of our favorite songs, about a man who would do anything for his daughter, and we realized we would both do anything for our littlest sister, Piper. we talked some more about how we want to protect her, make sure shes taken care of no matter what happens. and I realized deep down im that brother who overhears about my little brother getting beaten up at school by a bully, then goes to that school and kicks the crap out of the bully just for hurting him.  And then I realized another thing, I can’t, I can’t protect any of my siblings, no matter what happens to them I have to just sit back and watch, what hurts the most is when I tell my friend of a jerk who picked on me for being in a wheelchair, my little brother goes and protects me from him.  I want to help them all so much, I want to make sure they are safe, to be that cool bigger brother who kicks the crap out of a bully, but I wont, I have to watch as they protect me. I feel like im nothing to them, i mean half the time im a complete jerk to them, yelling at them, teasing, being the bully i would do anything to protect them from.  I fell like I’ve failed them all.


Pain, your body telling you your done….

Λ- 11/17/2011 -Ω

Pain, your body telling you your done….

today i woke up and got ready for my Thursdays work at my grandmothers clinic.  the moment the light in my room is on and my dreams cease i strikes me, like a thousand needles and sharp objects jabbing me in every place i move.  Pain, but today not the normal amount, today just moving my fingers or toes hurt immensely.  I fight it, masking it with as many pain meds i could take without inducing a coma.  on the ride over to my grandmas, every bump on the road, no matter big or small, sends shocks of pain through my entire body.   i sit there listening to NPR about a girl raised in Africa escaping the genocides, and hold back the tears, i am not much of a complainer, if i hurt i wait until it is unbearable before shedding a  single tear.  my mother apparently sees the pain in my face, and as we pass by a Sam’s Club i mention the wonderful four-berry-sundaes’ they serve there, she looks at me and tells me that she will pick her an I up one on the way back home, it would be our secret.  i get to “class” and like everyday eat the biscuits and gravy my grandmother gets me,  the meds barely take the small pains away, so i decide to rest, one technique i learned to escape pain. i rest for a good hour, waking to chili tots from sonic and a banana milkshake, my favorite drink!  today in class all i do is take a math pre test once again to see what i don’t know, or what he haven’t studied, but as the day goes on my meds wear off and the pain grows exponentially.  soon tears flood my face and i try to hide them from everyone.  i sit waiting for my mom to pick me up, and for the sundae.  my mom arives and runs in, saying we must go because Zoe has a choir performance and we have to go to a 50th anniversary celebration.  i freak, i was expecting to get home, eat my treat, then pass out.  i find myself in my moms car running around to pick up my family, in a hour the whole family is ready to go and Zoe decides to go instead of doing her musical.  it takes us another 30 or 45 minutes of massive pain,  just to use crappy directions to get to the party.  we arrive and i sit at one of the fold out tables filled with people i have never met. by the expresions on there face i can tell the assumptions the draw about my just on looks.  i have Zoe get some food for me and what i already knew the people were thinking was confered when a man said, “heeelllllooooo…..myyy nnaaaammmmee… isss (forgot), niiccceee to meeeet yoooouuuuu!” he grins as he tries to slow his speech for me to understand.  I look at the man and say, “im doing quite fine sir, and you?” with a slight bite of annoyance in my tone. in a moment the people at the tables expressions change, and i can tell they are happy that i am not, “special.”  i sit at the table with me head in my arms, trying to distract myself as the pain gets worse.  I slowly get pissed as we take the ride home, knowing that i won’t get my sundae, and that all the pain i have gone through just for it is a waist.  i get home and pop 3 morphine pills and come to my computer, now i am typing this, with the movie “The Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring” playing in the background. i stop to watch my movie after this, but wish i had the strength to write more of my book “Last Child.”

A.P.T.: Average Pain Today

1 being none at all, 5 being normal, 10 being horrendously unbelievable pain

   1       2       3        4       5       6        7       8       9       10

|–|–|–|–|–|–|–|–|–|–|–|–|–|–|–|–|–|–|

 

- Jonathan Forrest Jagger


O….U….C….H…..

A.P.T. : Average Pain Today

1 being none at all, 5 being normal, 10 being horrendously unbelievable pain

    1        2       3        4      5       6        7       8       9       10

|–|–|–|–|–|–|–|–|–|–|–|–|–|–|–|–|–|–|

Thats all i can type, and that was just copy and paste


Gullibleness? is that even a word?

Λ-  11/15/2011  -Ω

Gullibleness? is that even a word?

so today, like every other Tuesday and Thursday I head over to my grandmothers tutoring clinic to study for my up and coming G.E.D. test.  I generally wake up at about 6:30 am or so, and head off to study until my mother picks me up in 12 or so hours, on my way down we listen to NPR and talk about resent things going on in our ever crumbling world, and occasionally about home life.  Today my mother decided to drop my step brother Dylan off at school on our way to go do our work, which reminds me that i needed to talk to my mom privately about how Dylan has been acting lately.  So, when he barrel rolls out of the car and we go screeching off trying not to be later than we already are I start up a conversation.  I tell my mother that recently, Dylan has been believing anything that anyone tells him, even if its past common sense.  To test one of my theories i decide to play a few jokes on him and get a few friends involved to see how he reacts with different information, and which part of it he believes is true.  by the end of a week I have him convinced that he is actually the last of a dieing race that we, being aliens from another planet, have set out to destroy because our planet was out of resources, and that we found him in the forest being raised by a dodo bird, and that the only other being like him, which are far weaker in intellect then “our species”…. is J.W. Bush.  that we are an alien race that are immortal, that my friend Chris actually caused our plane to crash destroying all the technology we brought so we kept with his puny races sources for energy, that I, myself, got drunk driving an intergalactic planetary bomber and accidentally caused the Trinoble incident by instead of hitting the parking break, i hit the L.T.D.S.P.C.M.D.M.D.A.W.A. “Launch Tiny Device the Size of a Pencil that Causes Massive Destruction and Massive Radiation Across a Wide Area”   Button. and convinced him my middle sister, Zoe, is a vampire and both her and I are Wizards that go to school that what appears to be normal jenks schools, but the doors are extradementional portals that when open by a human open like a normal door to there normal school, but when open by a Wizard or Witch, it leads to a massive school that looks much like Hogwarts. and then, us Noting my sisters “wand” (a piece of antenna for rabbit ears for a TV that broke off and could still extend and contract) I said some gibberish, okay, not gibberish, the Elven language (I really do know it, yes I’m a geek/nerd), my sister would watch the wand motion and pick up on what “Spell” i was doing and react, to the point I “made her” try and jump off of the balcony that’s in our living room (don’t ask, its hard to explain…its more like a catwalk), but “released” her from the spell last minute. And, being the genius my little sisters Sophia and Piper are, they caught on to what we were doing at only 6 and 2 respectively, and played along without us telling them to. After telling my mother all I had done she. not being mad in any way surprisingly, said keep doing it, he needs to learn not everyone is his friend and not everyone tells the truth, so tonight I pulled him aside and talked to him privately with my sister Zoe. we told him what we were doing, and as i suspected he would do to not look stupid he said, “Yea I know what you were doing, i was “playing along,” I didn’t believe you at all…” even though when we were done telling him about being aliens he freaked when mom and step dad walked in, and went around whispering to us, “are they one of you guys? do they know what you are? can they do magic?” I just had to tell him if he didn’t stop I would have him killed, dipped in lye acid, then dump his- soup of a body- into the Mississippi river, (which has so much lye no on would know) I kinda feel bad for Dylan, his horrible mother, if you can call her that, has kept him sheltered severely, when we got custody of him at 6 years old, he didn’t know how to go to the bathroom right, didn’t know how to use toilet paper, looked strait down when he walked- more like shuffled- across the floor, had never caught a ball and when he ran he looked….special, arms all flapping like a retarded T-Rex and everything. he didn’t even know why he was grounded or got a time-out if he was in trouble because he didn’t put two and two together that he was bad, he got punished, he just thought we were punishing him randomly and for no reason! to mention the kids a lazy ass! my mom told him to help my little sister Sophia clean her room and he could play video games, when no one was looking he divided up the room in sides, saying “you do that side ill do this side” the sides were off, he had less room to clean than my 5 year old sister, and he just pushed everything either in the closet, under her beds, and when those were full he pushed the rest of his job onto her side when she wasn’t looking and left saying his half was done! just to go play his damn game! and not only that, mom told him to go put some of my close up in my room, so she fallowed him in there secretly and just watched him throw them on my ground, so she sat in the door way and when he turned around she just stared at him, his reply was, “I don’t know where they go!” so she said, “Well Dylan, where do your clothes go when you put them away?” he just shrugged his shoulders. it went on for an hour, his mom trained him to just listen to whatever anyone says and do it, don’t think, just be a mindless drone for her religion (now i NEVER bash other peoples religions, but this woman takes beeing a Jehovah’s Witness to being a whole….. notha….. leble!), which btw shes just using him so she can get into her “heaven.”  so finaly my mother got him to use common sense and he put the small stack of clothes in my dresser. OH! btw, i just remembered i took a  post-pre-test pre-test for the math section of the G.E.D. test and i only missed 2 out of 20, and one was because i forgot to put a dash through my plus sign, so it looked like a minus! but otherwise they say its going to be easy for me!

A.P.T.:  Average Pain Today

  1 being none at all, 5 being normal, 10 being horrendously unbelievable pain

  1        2       3       4        5       6       7       8        9      10

|–|–|–|–|–|–|–|–|–|–|–|–|–|–|–|–|–|–|

P.S. Thank you all for coming to see my blog, even just a peek, it tels me my recent visitors amount and after i posted it on FB i got 15 views in one day, instead of my 2 done by me daily! I thank you for supporting me and stuff, and, this blog is going on a website called RA guy, or somthing like that? just google it if you want, he posts blogs of peoples lives with arthritis on his site.

 

- Jonathan Forrest Jagger


Regrets, painful memories…

ψ- 11/14/2011 -ψ

Regrets, painful memories…

So today is better than the last, i am not as depressed and like looks a little brighter around the edges. Like every day for the past year i slept until 3:00 pm, then my parents get onto me for staying up late because I’m not tired, and its my dads job to get me up. but lately my dad got a new game, MW3, and he NEVER stops playing it; not even enough to take care of me fully, i have to coax him just to get me a cup of coffee, or a PB&J. and if i go to the bathroom (i have to use a uranal) he complains he had to help me if i don’t pee enough! that dosen’t sound like a real father to me. well, today i just finished playing the game with my dad about 20 minutes ago, they only time i am happy he is here is if hes keeping me distracted from my pain. oh, my best friend Chris came over today, after a few weeks of not seeing him it was nice; i don’t think he knows just how much i admire him, hes like an older brother, an African American 300 pound brother from a red headed mother, one i never had with only four sisters. My life is meaningless without a friend around, they keep me up-to-date of the outside world, and i can spill my guts to them and know they won’t tell my secrets. My BFF Stephen Dunaway I’ve known for about 6 years, and me and him will often stay up till the crack of dawn talking about life, our regrets, recent girlfriends (for him not me, I’ve only had one girlfriend in my entire life, and I was ten), family problems, life goals, anything. speaking of regrets, today they wouldn’t stop popping up in my head; my only girlfriend, Heather, we did things we shouldn’t have at that young age, then little things like butting into a conversation my step-dad was having about his dad or uncle i think, and telling my step-brother that he died of a heart attack, but that heart attacks are a painless way to go, not hearing any of that other than the …”heart attacks are a painless way to go…” part i burst in and say “no, in fact they are one of the most painful ways to die”, and describe why. then i hear silence and the words of my mother, “not a good time jon…” i feel her and me fathers eyes piercing the back of my head, then realize the reason they would be looking at pictures and talking about death at the same time. Instant regret and grief fill me, for the past 2 months i have wanted to say sorry, that i was being an idiot and had no right to say that, even if it was an accident. today i want to keep reading my new book i have downloaded on my Nook, “The Hunger Games.” an amazing novel that i believe might become true one day, but i find its not charged and the charger missing, so tonight, in my time im going to write the first chapter of my book, “Last Child.” Another thing, I realized today i have a fascination with Vampires, ever since i was 6 i have wanted to become one, i guess my motive was to cure this unbearable disease. I watch odd shows like “The Vampire Diaries,” and movies like “Queen of the Damned” and occasionaly “Twilight” (but REAL vampires AREN’T “Glitter-Boy-Gay”) but, i know if vampires were or are real, they wouldn’t be giving immortality away just to anyone, and if they are, and do give it away to a moron, it would spread like wildfire! within a Month or two EVERYONE would be a vampire and we would all die…like the movie “Daybreakers.”

- Jonathan Forrest Jagger


Memories, big parts of who you are…

Pre-note: For a bit I was mad, I lost my blog, forgot the website, and the name I gave it, and when I was ready to begin searching I got grounded from my computer. So today I earned it back and went searching, finding it within the first minute of looking made me even more upset, then the idea that someone or anyone stumbled across it and has been waiting for a new post sent me into a figurative rage. So, I will post what happened today, I think this blog will become my journal. So this is my day.

11/13/2011

ψ- Memories, big parts of who you are….

I sat there, playing my new game Modern Warfare 3, distracting myself as I do all day from the constant agony of arthritis, and life itself. When my Bat-Dar, (a word my best friend came up with for my insanely good hearing, to put it into perspective, I could be in my room with the door shut playing a shooting game, and hear every word you say two rooms away…whispering), my version of radar hears my mother talking privately with my sister about the past, and all of the good memories. Now, another thing im good at is memory, I can remember my first day of kindergarten, how long it took me to get to school, who called me Forrest Gump because of my disease that day (my name used to be Forrest, but due to teasing i changed it), the buildings exact layout (at that time, it might be different now) what we ate for breakfast, how I got it, what I put on it as a topping, and what we learned in class. Memories began to flood my mind and I decide to split off from my distraction and risk the pain to join in on the conversation.

I open the door as they begin to laugh and talk about my middle sister Zoe’s past. I join in, bringing up old memories of me at four putting on a red jumper pajama suit with white studs for grip on the feet, then rummaging threw my Entire dresser and putting on every pair of cloths I could find, then walking- more like waddling- out of my room in front of my mother. I craved that sound she made, that laughter that lightened up the world that was so dark, and made everything alright again. In those days, if it made my mother laugh, it didn’t matter if I was in agonizing pain that day, whatever it was I did it. We go on talking about a Halloween when my mom was pregnant with Zoe, and she was outside in the front yard; I decided to put panty-hoes over my head and burst out of the house to chase her around with my “father.”

I remember coming back inside crying in pain from the exertion, and seeing the long “ears” and odd face that the panty-hoes had given me, and began to laugh myself. I have never told her that I tried all day long to see her smile and hear her laugh, and I never told her that in those times I did make her smile or laugh, it was an agonizing experience for me, but like she taught me I put on a brave face. Those past experiences have made me a bitter person now, every smile or laugh I ease out of her or myself just reminds me of pain. Now that both happiness and pain are one I have no real joy in this world. Every day memories and regrets from the past cycle through my head like a broken record, wishing to put an end to it, but then knowing it would take the smiles, and laughs away forever.

I don’t know what to do anymore, I feel like a shadow cast by a former me, and the sun is slowly rising in a cloudless sky from all directions. As I type my fingers cramp and knees cry for more morphine I just can’t take, and that still isn’t enough to squelch the mildest of the pains. I know I must keep living, a felling is pushing me on, but I do not know why and where it will lead me. I do little things these days, study for me G.E.D., which I feel will accomplish nothing, play games, and write a book, I’m calling it “Last Child.” I feel…like, like butter, scraped over to much bread, a bag, caught by the wind, or a flower that will never see the sun.

- Jonathan Forrest Jagger


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