Regrets, painful memories…

ψ- 11/14/2011 -ψ

Regrets, painful memories…

So today is better than the last, i am not as depressed and like looks a little brighter around the edges. Like every day for the past year i slept until 3:00 pm, then my parents get onto me for staying up late because I’m not tired, and its my dads job to get me up. but lately my dad got a new game, MW3, and he NEVER stops playing it; not even enough to take care of me fully, i have to coax him just to get me a cup of coffee, or a PB&J. and if i go to the bathroom (i have to use a uranal) he complains he had to help me if i don’t pee enough! that dosen’t sound like a real father to me. well, today i just finished playing the game with my dad about 20 minutes ago, they only time i am happy he is here is if hes keeping me distracted from my pain. oh, my best friend Chris came over today, after a few weeks of not seeing him it was nice; i don’t think he knows just how much i admire him, hes like an older brother, an African American 300 pound brother from a red headed mother, one i never had with only four sisters. My life is meaningless without a friend around, they keep me up-to-date of the outside world, and i can spill my guts to them and know they won’t tell my secrets. My BFF Stephen Dunaway I’ve known for about 6 years, and me and him will often stay up till the crack of dawn talking about life, our regrets, recent girlfriends (for him not me, I’ve only had one girlfriend in my entire life, and I was ten), family problems, life goals, anything. speaking of regrets, today they wouldn’t stop popping up in my head; my only girlfriend, Heather, we did things we shouldn’t have at that young age, then little things like butting into a conversation my step-dad was having about his dad or uncle i think, and telling my step-brother that he died of a heart attack, but that heart attacks are a painless way to go, not hearing any of that other than the …”heart attacks are a painless way to go…” part i burst in and say “no, in fact they are one of the most painful ways to die”, and describe why. then i hear silence and the words of my mother, “not a good time jon…” i feel her and me fathers eyes piercing the back of my head, then realize the reason they would be looking at pictures and talking about death at the same time. Instant regret and grief fill me, for the past 2 months i have wanted to say sorry, that i was being an idiot and had no right to say that, even if it was an accident. today i want to keep reading my new book i have downloaded on my Nook, “The Hunger Games.” an amazing novel that i believe might become true one day, but i find its not charged and the charger missing, so tonight, in my time im going to write the first chapter of my book, “Last Child.” Another thing, I realized today i have a fascination with Vampires, ever since i was 6 i have wanted to become one, i guess my motive was to cure this unbearable disease. I watch odd shows like “The Vampire Diaries,” and movies like “Queen of the Damned” and occasionaly “Twilight” (but REAL vampires AREN’T “Glitter-Boy-Gay”) but, i know if vampires were or are real, they wouldn’t be giving immortality away just to anyone, and if they are, and do give it away to a moron, it would spread like wildfire! within a Month or two EVERYONE would be a vampire and we would all die…like the movie “Daybreakers.”

– Jonathan Forrest Jagger