Being a brother…

Today, like everyday for the past few months, I got up, took pain meds, got in my wheelchair, then got on my Xbox 360 to play Skyrim. I don’t know whats been with me lately, I have so much planned for the future, but inside I just want to sit and escape into my games. I own a mod that is being created for the game Minecraft, the mods name is MythiCraft, and just the idea of it has sent it to the top of the list of best mods to date.  For the past 2 weeks I have just sat at my game, doing nothing but running in circles, though there is something in the back of my head telling me to get on my computer and take responsibility for running the mod. Life feels so dull lately, theirs nothing in it to keep me going, to keep me WANTING to stay, its like everything has lost interest.  About an hour ago me and my sister Zoe sat and listened to some of our favorite songs on YouTube, and we both got to talking, we listened to one of our favorite songs, about a man who would do anything for his daughter, and we realized we would both do anything for our littlest sister, Piper. we talked some more about how we want to protect her, make sure shes taken care of no matter what happens. and I realized deep down im that brother who overhears about my little brother getting beaten up at school by a bully, then goes to that school and kicks the crap out of the bully just for hurting him.  And then I realized another thing, I can’t, I can’t protect any of my siblings, no matter what happens to them I have to just sit back and watch, what hurts the most is when I tell my friend of a jerk who picked on me for being in a wheelchair, my little brother goes and protects me from him.  I want to help them all so much, I want to make sure they are safe, to be that cool bigger brother who kicks the crap out of a bully, but I wont, I have to watch as they protect me. I feel like im nothing to them, i mean half the time im a complete jerk to them, yelling at them, teasing, being the bully i would do anything to protect them from.  I fell like I’ve failed them all.


About neonscorpion

Well... to start, I'm a 17 year old kid/young adult who has lived with systemic juvenile idiopathic arthritis, also known as stills disease, since I was 3 years old. My life is confined to the living rolling hell of a half-running wheelchair, a normal day for me would be, get up at around 12:00 pm, have someone put me in wheelchair, go to computer, take 8 pills (not exaggerating), do either art or play flash games on computer, take 5 more pills, watch sisters come home from school at 3:30 pm, look at e-mail or deviantart, take 3 pills, do random crap, eat diner, take 8 pills, get back on computer, take 2 pills, stay up till 4 or 5:00 in the morning, wake up mom, mom puts me in bed...repeat... So, as you can see, my like f'ing sucks right now... I feel alone, and on top of it all I have FOUR sisters ranging from 18 years old, to 2...and have 2 step brothers who barely come over, my biological fathers..... dead to me, and my mother just broke up with my step dad...I'm going to blog every night about each day... I hope some one out there can help me... help me not feel so alone in this ever crushing world... View all posts by neonscorpion

2 responses to “Being a brother…

  • Breena

    I just wanted to say that my husband has rheumatoid arthritis and I think he struggles with similar issues. Until he developed RA a few years ago, he was this big guy (6’2″ and muscular) who always protected me. He was always the nicest guy, but he could intimidate someone who was being a jerk pretty easily. Now he can barely get around. He uses a cane and has trouble walking even a block. He can’t carry anything heavy or work in a regular job any more.

    It is really tough on him because he can’t do all those things that he associates with being a man. But there are still lots of things he can do to help and protect me. First, he can listen, give me advice, help me with writing (because he is really good at that), do my taxes, and so on. Second, he can still win fights for me, but these fights are much more important than physical fights, these are verbal fights/arguments. I’m not kidding, embarrassing someone verbally can be just as painful for them as a physical fight. If you haven’t seen it, check out the movie “Roxanne” which is based on the play “Cyrano de Bergerac.” In it Steve Martin (who plays a guy who can’t get the girl because he has a crazy big nose) embarrasses the bully through is cleverness. If a guy in a wheelchair gets the best of someone, they are going to look really stupid.

    Your situation really sucks and you shouldn’t feel bad if some days you don’t feel like doing much. But remember, whatever your situation, there are things you can do to help and support your loved ones.

  • anne

    you are so not alone. there is a whole community of the disabled out here in cyberspace. i was diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis when i was 20. i had just started a life, and it all came crashing down. my friends left me in droves, my boyfriend’s friends told him, in front of me, to leave me because i was ‘useless skin’. thank all that is sacred, he ignored them, and we are still together, but it was gutwrenching to know that people who wanted to come over, to hang out, to just be with me, no longer wanted a thing to do with me, like i had the plague. with the exception of my boyfriend, now husband, my mom, my dad who lives far away, my brother who i dont see often, and one set of grandparents, i had no one. for a long time i had no one to really reach out to. then i got a computer. i will probably never meet any of my ‘friends’ but i know they are there, they will listen to my rants, even if they dont respond with more than an ‘i’m here’, i know they give a damn. it took me a few years to really connect with people, i am painfully shy, but i did. i hope you can find some good internet friends too, even just those who listen, to know your venting is being heard.

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